Humor

Ever have a bad date? Here’s a website to laugh about it:

http://youwillnotbedatingme.blogspot.com/

I’m collecting the best jokes from those among us that need a laugh in these hard times. You can send them with or without sender’s credits to “Peakshrink@peakoilblues.com”…

Jokes Start HERE:

Thoughts for the day: “When your car/truck is half out of gas, and stands straight up, it spells “EIf” Coincidence? I don’t think so.

From a secret Contributor at The Oil Drum:

Shell was interviewing a petroleum geologist, a geophysicist and a petroleum engineer,
the kind of person that makes these oil reserve estimates.

So the question was asked, what’s 2 times 2, and the geologist thinks for a while says “well it’s probably more than 3 and less than 5″. The geophysicist punches it into his calculator and answers that it’s 3.999999. The petroleum engineer gets up, locks the door, pulls the curtains, unplugs the phone and says, “What do you want it to be?”

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Cowboy and the Yuppie Joke

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will
you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answered, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parked his car, whiped out his Dell notebook computer,
connected it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfed to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he called up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then fed to another
NASA satellite that scanned the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opened the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exported it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he received an email on his Palm Pilot that the image had been
processed and the data stored.>

He then accessed a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
received a response.

Finally, he printed out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turned to the cowboy and
said, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” said the
cowboy. He watched the young man select one of the animals and looked on
amused as the young man stuffed it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy said to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” The young man
thought about it for a second and then said, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, said the cowboy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?” “No
guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here, even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about
cows……..

Now give me back my dog.”

**********

Political Joke

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
they had performed.

The first said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and eight months later he
performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in
an accident. I reattached them and two years later he won a gold medal
in the Olympic decathlon.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s president of the United States.”

*************************

Another Cowboy Joke

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a Drink.As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.” She said, “I’m a lesbian. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “I always thought I was but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”

*****************

From The Big Book of Jewish Humor:

It was winter in the USSR

A long line formed form for bread, as the snow began to fall.
After 3 hours, the Party official came out and said “There isn’t enough bread. All the Jews go home.” They left.

Another 4 hours later, the same Party official came out and announced: “There isn’t enough bread, all those not Communist Party members, go home.” A few more left.

Two hours later, the official emerged again and said “There isn’t enough bread. All those who did not fight in the Bolshevik Revolution, go home.” The line left two old men.

An hour after this, the Officer stuck his head out and called to the frozen old men

“There is no bread. Go home.”

One of the old men turned to the other and said “Jews get all the breaks.”

***********************

“The Unattainable is Unknowning” here: Peak Oil bumming you out? Spend at least one hour here for full effect.

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Report: Majority of Americans Unprepared for Apocalypse, The Onion, September 13, 2006 Quote:

“As for Armageddon borne out of God’s heavenly wrath, I can say with assurance that this nation has never seen a presidential administration that has given more thought to this very scenario.”

***********************

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish
countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf,greets him
in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does
so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?,
asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re
for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fook sake”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything.”

*********************

Yale Spirit

An industrialist meets the widow of a colleague who jumped out a window during the 1929 crash.

”I was just coming out of the stock exchange when he took off from that ledge,” he consoles her.
”He jumped like a Yale man.”

**********************

Death of a Salesman

‘My father was killed in the 1929 crash. A stock broker jumped out a window and landed on his pushcart.”

**********************

Deflation Robbery

”An armored car was robbed of $4 million in securities. The street value was $29,000.”

*********************

Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”

***********************

New Problem-Solving Philosophy

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words:

.

“What chair?”

**************************

What Are You Waiting For?

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”
“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

*************************

Medical Advice

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”

“Oh no,” I replied, “I’ve never done either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks, greasy food and barbecued ribs?

I said, “No, I’ve heard that grease and “red meat” are very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun?” he asked.

“No, I don’t,” I said.

He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around?”

“No,” I said, “I’ve never done any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why in the hell do you want to live to be 80?”

*********************

Your Own Drummer

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the 401. Please be careful!” “It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

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Trust in Technology

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

********************

Interview Question

The executive was interviewing a potential employee for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?”

The interviewee quickly responded, “The living one.”

*******************

Bank Tellers

I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance.

She leaned over and pushed me.

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A Wall Street Beggar

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote “Beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

*******************

Marital Candor

WIFE: “What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not – don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: – - -silence – -
HUSBAND: “Shit.”

***********************

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, “If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?” The Barkeep says “Depends on how good of a trick it is.”

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, “If I show you another trick can I have another free one?”

The barkeep says “If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night.” The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog.”

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink ‘em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, “I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act.” The drunks says “not for sale”. The agent says, “Okay, 100 grand for just the scating rat.” The drunk say, “deal” The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, “Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g’s?”

The Drunk says, “Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist”

***********

Bumper Stickers:

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies

I love cats…they taste just like chicken

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Caution: Really Dumb One Liners…

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

****************

Bad Marital Attitude in a Down Turn

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

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Best Chuck Norris Jokes:

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pj’s to bed.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris’s urine is said to add 300 horse power when added to your gas.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Sharks are not living on the sea because they can’t breathe on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn’t.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris’s calender goes straight from March 31 to April second because no one fools Chuck Norris. NO ONE.

There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn’t feel pain, Pain feels Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.

And finally,

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

*********************

Mistaken Email

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I’ve arrived

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

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True Political Understanding

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”

“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

***************

Top Joke in Scotland:

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather…
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

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LIFE REFLECTIONS BY GEORGE CARLIN:

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of
mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.

GEORGE CARLIN ON VALUES

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, & pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years.
We’ve been all the way to the moon & back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less & less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men & small character, steep profits & shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, & pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window & nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, & a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete…

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up & leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart & it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don’t send this to at least 8 people….Who cares?

- George Carlin

____________________________________

Timely Alien Joke 7/26/08

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

“Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pumps of course, didn’t respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, “What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don’t mess with him.”