Caution: Humor Ahead
So, once again, we’ve been spared the Apocalypse, and find ourselves in the company of relatives ’round the dinner table. For those of you who’ve been kicking around long enough, you’ll remember some of these from 2006. But, ever vigilant for new and updated material, our planet has supplied us with many interesting humorous subjects to avoid.
So here’s a psychologist’s guide to the “Do’s & Don’t’s” of Peak Oil holiday visits and what’s likely to make inappropriate dinner conversation on this and related topics:
(1) “Let’s not argue politics, Fred, the ‘change I can believe in,’ is in my piggy bank.”
(2) “I’d suggest the only way your tanning salon’ll make money this year, Millie, is through a governmental bailout…”
(3) Surveying the room: “Could we think of a more useless crew for that pilgrim ship in today’s world, Little Joey?…a computer programmer, a real estate agent, a lawyer and a stock broker…”
(4) “The only growing industry in banking is a food bank.”
(5) “Let’s be honest, Frank, the beachfront condo you’ll be seeing at retirement is a lawn chair and a wading pool.”
(6) “Don’t knock alcoholism, Betty. Your father bought $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, and has $49.00 to show for it today. Your brother bought $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, and has $33.00. Your “smart uncle” bought $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, has nothing to show for it…On the other hand, I bought $1,000 worth of beer last year, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, and got $214.00. The way I look at it, the best investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. I called it the ’401-Keg plan’.” (heavily borrowed)
(7) “Why not think up a more forward-thinking sociological dissertation, Jill, something like “Comparative Food Rioting Styles in Iceland and the US.”
“But Uncle John, there ARE no food riots in the US.”
“But it will take you a while to write it, Dear. Don’t worry. There will be…”
(8) “Of course your house will rebound in value. A lot of people are gonna need wood to burn…”
(9) Avoid the temptation to sit around watching John Bird (in the guise of investment banker, George Parr) and John Fortune in this painfully funny skit. Even if you’ve seen it before, it’s worth a second viewing, but privately.
Favorites from 2006:
(10) “Kid, there’ll come a time when you wish Santa DID put coal in your stocking…”
(11) “The dog is cute, but hey, it’s useless for protection, and there’s not enough meat on it for nourishment.”
(12) “No, ‘permaculture’ doesn’t mean that the culture is permanent. How long do you think this one’s gonna last?”
Come on now, folks, can’t you contribute a few of your own? What’s about a good line for that relative of yours who’s going to snicker that gasoline prices have dropped? What should you NOT say, (but would like to) that sums up the world of hurt they’ll be awaitin’?
About Kathy McMahon
“Trust me, pigeon is the meat of the future. Just wait and see; PBS will show how to bait and catch them in the city park, and Martha Stewart will provide delicious recipes using ingredients from the food bank.”
To that B-I-L who was bragging about his stock portfolio last year. “Umm, John- how are your stocks doing now?”
Shy
Declining gasoline prices are like an on-coming tsunami. First the water gets sucked out, then the giant wave comes crashing in.
Speaking of pigeons. . . they are also known as “squab” and when known as such, are a trendy upscale food. See http://www.squab.com/recipe/kitchen.mv for squab recipes!
“No, Billy, that’s not my pet rabbit. That’s a production rabbit. Let me show you some of her skinned offspring in my freezer…”
“I imagine this is the last time I’ll be able to enter the city for quite a while. I’ll miss all of you, but please, don’t drop in for dinner unless you want to BE dinner…”
“‘…Imagine America without General Motors.’ Heck, Buddy I can imagine an America without any sort of motors…”
Modification of (1)“Let’s not argue politics, Fred, the ‘change I can believe in,’ are pre-1965 dimes and quarters in my piggy bank.”
I know, Bob, but squab are young pigeons. I think people will eventually be eating old stringy ones, although cooking them a long time in a solar oven would help tenderize them. (I wrote a blog post a while back on eating pests – includes rats, snakes, and insects, too.)
Save the turkey drippings mama, we can turn it into bio-diesel tomorrow.
I didn’t know squab were the younger pigeons. Hmmm. . . I predict restaurants will bill the adult pigeons as “Jumbo Squab — MORE MEAT!”
Look on the bright side, If there’s no gas in the tank you don’t have to worry about the bald tires.
Dining out now is a whole new experience for me. I sit on the patio in my winterwear and watch the birds eating berries in the bushes. Prices are reasonable and I don’t have to feel guilty about not tipping.
Depression Era Breakfast
If we had ham we could have ham and eggs if we had the eggs.
I like the idea of nothing down and nothing to pay till 2010, I might just get lucky and kick the bucket before then!
Not a Complete Blessing. A Ladies Lament.
It sure is nice not getting all those nuisance
calls, since the company cut off my phone, but I sure miss my heavy breather.
Got an E-mail from my Kuz in Kentucky. They stuffed the turkey with his old T-shirts this year to save money. Sort of has a ring to it;-Stuffed Shirt Turkey, I think I’ve met a few.